Jane's Jottings

These words of wisdom come from Haemin Sunim, a South Korean Zen Buddhist, in his book, When Things Don’t Go Your way. 

When people retire from the workforce, many have trouble settling down.  They feel lost without the structure that is required when still working outside the home.  It is easy to get around the element of structure by incorporating it into one’s retired life.  One can choose to get up at the same time every day, to eat the same healthy salad for lunch during the week days, to exercise at the local gym on given days of the week.  

One challenge for some of us in retirement is not the structural framework of our days, but the meaning that we attach to the activities we do.  Many of us want our lives to feel like we are spending our time on “significant” pastimes, things that make a difference to the world around us, and are therefore important.  

Another question is how to meld one’s days with one’s spouse, or life partner.  Most of us work separately from our significant others, and when we retire, the increased exposure to them is something new that we have to get used to.  Obviously, our life partner is important to us, or else we wouldn’t be with them. However, the old saying, “too much of a good thing” rings true.  Such is human nature that, when faced with too much of a good thing, we lose our appreciation for it.  What was once good can even start to feel negative, or – in the extreme – harmful.  

There are no perfect people in this world.  While I have always recognized this reality about others and myself, I now realize that I held expectations of others that were too high a standard.  I also see that I have frequently been disappointed in others for behaviors that I display myself.  It may seem fair enough to submit to the philosophy, “I am as human as anyone else”.  However, understanding others’ foibles and our own does not entirely help us to make the world a better place.  

It is only through the discernment that a ‘friend’ expected perfection from my behavior that my eyes were opened.  This individual fully believed that I should never resort to negativity or any sort – no venting my frustration, no judging others.  If we can avoid judging others, or do it as minimally as possible, that is commendable.  It is also one of the hardest things for human beings to do.  

I now comprehend the lesson that this person brought to me and my life.  And it was a very necessary lesson, one that was a long time coming.  At first, I thought the lesson was to not be so vulnerable with others, to not be so gung ho to make close friendships with others, to take heed of their effort or reticence.  To not open up and show my true self to anyone, lest they break a confidence.  There is that; it behooves us to use our intuition and let balance lead the way.  But, more than that, the hypocrisy that this individual showed after I gave up on their false friendship, was what really taught me about myself.  

I now see myself in a different light, and can practice being a better soul in this world.  I also appreciate some associates who once seemed rather faint-hearted to me.  It is not that these people lack passion, but that they show the rest of us how to be kinder in the world.  Strength is not always about sticking up for oneself.  Sometimes, it is about keeping one’s mouth shut, about NOT saying the thought that just crept into your mind, about saving others’ feelings, and focusing on their positive attributes.  I thought I  homed in on others’ good qualities, but – apparently – not enough to consistently overlook what seemed like weakness.  I understand now that what seemed like feebleness was actually wisdom.  

So, I appreciate the woman who often comes across as abrasive, knowing that she is really hiding a sensitive interior.  I value the friend who seems blindly optimistic for her stalwart efforts to speak only praise.  I acknowledge that God put a false friend in my life to improve me, and I thank Him.